Saturday, March 8, 2008

back again

Relative peace in the household now, flu-wise. Thanks Kitlulu and Skipper for checking in. Made me feel real good. I've been longing for India ever since the flu hit all of us. Right now we're so far in the world that even if something were to happen to one of us, our parents wouldn't be able to make it right away. That's scary - the fact that such things could happen, and the fact that I've changed so much.

When I was a teenager I couldn't wait to get away from India. My sister was the steadfast one, we all supposed she would stay in our home town, find a job somewhere around there, and I would flee the first chance I got. 15 years later, my sis is in UCLA, I'm in DC and my bro in NYU. The three bedroom flat my dad struggled to buy is empty except for the smaller bedroom with the window overlooking the park. I suppose my mom sips her afternoon coffee and does her crosswords alone by the window, with no hijack attempts on the crossie from me or my bro.

My sister is now officially an aspiring American. She's got a greencard, and she plans to get dual citizenship only because she can own property in India if she holds on to her citizenship. My brother wants to get back in 2 years. Our parents are older. My mother seems so spaced out sometimes it's scary. My dad is his cranky old self, only my bro can handle him with his wit and charm.

As for me, I'm torn. I don't know where home is anymore. I mean, the apt. I live in is technically home right now, but has no permanence or relavance in the larger scheme of my husband's or my life. The home I want to go back to exists only in my mind, the cramped 2 room company flat of my childhood. It's bad enough to be lonely, it's worse to have nowhere to return to at the end of a long day.

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