Saturday, March 8, 2008

bad weather

An evangelist just woke me up with her incessant banging to share an "encouraging thought from the Bible". Lady, how can it be "good news" if you're desperately banging on someone's door just because you heard the stirrings of a sleeping person inside?

I'm a crab today. Everyone *seriously* now's the time to stop reading. Especially if you're feeling sunny and upbeat, because I think everything from here on is just a senseless tirade. I don't feel like being nice. I'm not an innately nice person anyways..... This is not a bid for attention, I'm so embarassed writing this, I'm almost hoping no one reads it.

Kit commented something on my last blog that had been bothering me for a long time anyway. I've always been a sort of perfectionist, and so nothing is ever good enough. Couple this with stumbled upon opinions of what others think of me and you have a neurotic personality, quite like a puppy - always trying to learning new tricks, eager to please. Ingratiating. Usually.

[i]But that's not who I am[/i].

Being nice takes a toll on me, it doesn't come naturally. I feel like a phony every time I search for something nice to say to someone. Because my first instinct is sometimes a sarcastic remark, or a giggle in my head. And I hate myself afterwards for trying to be nice.

While I'm at it, let me come out about my blogging too. Yes, my concerns are little - my small personal world, my narrow tastes, the few places I've lived in. Yes, I'm not well read (but I do appreciate the links many of you post, they're often so enlightening and interesting). As I see it, I reserve the right to sound like a cretin in my blog when I feel like it. What I don't like is someone rubbing it in.

Some of the problems stem from the way BL is. It's more a community - I've traded anonymity for belonging, and sometimes it feels like there is no place for me to feel crabby, because I don't want to rock the boat (I think Kit wrote about it a few days back, can't find the post) There is also - I think - a subtle need to be crabby in the presence of known people - if only to be told it's ok to feel that way.

Between musical discussions and heavy duty philosophy, I don't seem to fit. A very [i]third wheel[/i] kinda feeling. Whenever I post, I wrack my brains to come up with something that might sound remotely clever. *phony* Or if I write something that a few people comment on - as if I'm borrowing them away from the stuff they would naturally tend towards. When this happens in real life, I usually withdraw into my shell. And it seems as if that's what I'm doing with my (non) blogging these days.

I'm not feeling very coherent. There seem to be connections in my head that I can't quite express. Oh well, enough for now. I don't know when I'll post again.

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