rough days

Crazy, crazy days. Just started working more with the radio show. Up to my neck with work and school, but somehow it feels more fulfilling now than ever. But still, what a relief to come back to this forum. Quite like meeting with your best friend after a long and horrible date.

I've realized this about infants - they're so beyond words, rationalizations, it's amazing. There are things you can fight, and things you can't, and trying to work to a deadline with a bawling infant is one that belongs to cat 2. Since I've always been the hyper planner that has party cooking ready a week in advance, this feels like a severe loss of control. Especially since I worry that my new boss is not going to like me enough to keep me on beyond my volunteer period. After M had cried her heart out and clung on to me like a moss on a tree and after I'd had a good cry, I decided it wasn't worth it - I might as well sit back and enjoy myself and work late at night if I had to. So M and I took an afternoon nap, woke up just in time for quick showers before T got in. It did feel a little strange, here were these precious seconds falling through the cracks between my fingers, and there was no way to hold on to them. I made up for it by working late late late.

Then came another revelation. M didn't need me to lull her to sleep. She was perfectly fine with her dad, and that didn't go down well with me at all. Last night I waited till 4 before I turned in, but she didn't fuss at all. I sort of felt all misty eyed, my daughter's growing up. I wonder what it might be like when she starts walking around.